TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another area where by American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: provide everyone a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head visible from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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